I Hate Those Unexpected Phone Calls, Don't You?
by pezzyaltoid
Summary: Family relationships can be the subject of unexpected changes. A comedy of learning to cope with those changes. No, there is no slash, but there is chocolate.


Note: I adore Spock/Uhura, but Kirk is my favorite POV character.

Our complement of characters includes Jim, Spock, Nyota, Winona Kirk, Sarek, with brief appearances of McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, and a couple OCs of the female variety.

Mostly PG-13 for inappropriate language, but there is one scene that brings it up to the higher rating.

Enjoy. Always accepting constructive critiques, if you are of such a mind, and do let me know if I need to fix anything. I do my own editing and my eye is not as sharp when it looks at my own words.

Disclaimer: Not mine, which is too bad.

The Vulcan words can be found in the online Vulcan Language Dictionary. Google the phrase _vld starbase-10 _if you don't already have it bookmarked. Also google _stogeek vulcan language _for lessons in properly constructing your Vulcan phraseology and avoiding those embarrassing transliterations as opposed to good translations.

_Dif-tor heh smusma!_

-isobel

* * *

-o0o-

They met at the academy, at the first annual reception for the heroes who saved Earth. Some PR flack thought it a great photo opportunity to have the surviving parents of the young men who stopped the destruction of Earth and ended the madness meet. Their governments agreed, so Federation Ambassador Extraordinary and Interstellar Troubleshooter at Large, Sarek of Vulcan, son of Skon, son of Solkar, and Commander Winona Kirk, daughter of James, widow of George, currently assigned to the U.S.S. Avery Star, met, exchanged the ta'al, and shared a conversation, a free meal on a Star Fleet expense account and paparazzi while their sons hid.

They had lunch together the next day, end meal on a Thursday at the Vulcan embassy, and a concert the following Friday night. Fortunately, both had learned discretion over the years and none of these meetings included the paparazzi.

A month later, when Winona's ship berthed in at the new Vulcan colony, Sarek met her there.

Another two months, and she attended a diplomatic ball with the Vulcan.

Three months after that . . .

* * *

Nyota Uhura's deft fingers moved across her station keying up a message that claimed some urgency. The panel flashed, unnecessarily bright in Nyota's opinion, but it added to the crisp clean look of the bridge.

"Captain, I have an incoming transmission over the Vulcan diplomatic channels from Ambassador Sarek. It's marked 'Personal and Private.'" She glanced over at Spock. _Wonder what your dad wants now, Baby,_ she sent him over their bond-link as she finished pulling the transmission, then noted with some surprise. "It's for _you_, Captain!"

Spock's right eyebrow lifted. _We will need to wait, it seems, Beloved_, he sent back.

Kirk turned his chair to give the both the "Okay, what now?" look. "I'll take it in my ready room," he said.

Uhura nodded. "Ambassador, please hold while I transfer you to the Captain's ready room. He'll be with you in just a moment." Two Ph. D.s, three masters degrees and, and here she was playing ship's receptionist between the Boy Captain and her scary father-in-law. Nyota knew it was going to be an interesting shift. She felt a soft amusement from Spock.

"You've got the Conn, Spock." Kirk shrugged as his XO took the center seat. "I got no idea," Kirk whispered so softly, only the Vulcan could hear, "He's _your_ Dad."

About fifteen minutes later, fourteen point seven six, if you asked Spock, the ready room door swooshed open and Kirk peered out, looking a little stunned and slightly sick to his stomach. "Uhm, Commander Spock. Lieutenant Uhura. Could you. Please. Uhhh, both join me for a few minutes?"

Uhura handed communications over to Hannity, Spock gave Sulu the Conn and they followed their Captain into the ready room.

The door slid closed.

"You'll wanna sit down," Kirk said as he pulled out a bottle of something very old and blue, followed by three small glasses. It wasn't a question.

"Unnecessary," Spock started, "and isn't that illegal, Jim?" He nodded in the direction of the Romulan Ale Kirk had poured.

"Trust me, Spock, you won't care about that when you hear what I've have to tell you," Kirk's electric eyes glazed over, "You, too, Nyota."

She started at the use of her first name. "Sir . . ."

"Call me 'Jim.'," he forced a smile, "You'll understand in just a moment, but first, fucking sit down!"

Both bridge officers sat. Kirk, who had already dropped into his own chair, took a deep breath, and released it. He rubbed his left hand over his left eye, then his forehead then down to his chin to collect himself and said, as calmly as he could possibly muster, "Your father just asked for my permission to marry my mother." Kirk closed his eyes. A moment later he opened them when he realized there was no sound from either Spock or Nyota except the quick gulps of the illegal blue ale.

"So, congratulations to us. We're going to be a family!" Jim Kirk offered his patented smile with a delight he really didn't feel and refilled the two empty glasses before downing his own. He was fairly certain that this was not what the elder Spock had meant when he had said that he was and would always be Kirk's friend. Kirk wondered if elder Spock even _knew_ about this. Kirk _did_ know who _he_ was talking to next. He was betting that nothing like this happened in the other time line.

Nyota looked at Spock, and then moved an elegant finger to brush against his. Kirk caught the small motion. "Out loud, people, out loud," he declared. "No talking across the bond unless I get to play, too."

He dropped his hand over theirs, catching waves of emotion and thought before Spock could shield.

"Shit!" the force of their emotions nearly knocked him back, "I'd forgotten . . ."

"Jim, STOP IT!" Nyota hissed at him and did push him, butt first, back into chair. "Just grow up!"

"My father is familiar with human women," Spock said suddenly with no little equanimity. "My parents' relationship was quite successful." It was as if he had not noticed the interchange between his wife and his captain, had not seen Nyota physically back down Jim.

Jim chugged his glass of blue and dropped the glass to the desk. "Seems they met at the Memorial reception about six months ago. Some 'fleet suit thought it would be great publicity to get holos of them together. Lead to coffee, dinner, theater, clandestine meetings and a marriage proposal." Jim refilled his own glass again downed the contents in a single gulp. "I sure hope your dad is nicer than my uncle Frank," Kirk added thoughtfully, followed by "I really need to get bigger glasses in here."

"Your mother is an experienced Star Fleet officer, Jim, and no doubt has been involved in a number of diplomatic-related missions," Spock mused. "She has dealt with multiple cultures and species," he nattered along, quite out of character and apparently oblivious to Kirk's words. "Her skills could, perhaps, be of value to Sarek."

Kirk and Spock continued in this disjointed conversation for some minutes. Nyota eased her hand away from Spock's. He did not seem to notice, a clear indication of his distraction. She steepled her fingers and leaned into them, mimicking a very Spockian gesture, blocked the bond, and thought for a moment in the privacy of her own head. They had both lost their minds, she decided.

She laid her hand back down on Spock's. Spock was easy. He had learned over the course of their relationship to just do what he was told as long as it wasn't Star Fleet business. _Shhhh, _she whispered in his mind, sending soothing calm his way, _I have questions for Jim. We'll work it out, Baby. It'll all be okay. _Spock stopped talking.

"Captain. _Captain!_" Kirk was not as easy. She didn't have the same sorts of controls over him as she did the Vulcan and he would not cease talking. "JIM!" she said forcefully. Kirk stopped and stared. "Has he already proposed?" she asked. Jim looked blank. "Has Sarek already proposed marriage to your mother? Are they getting married for sure? If, so, do you know when?"

"Uhm, yes. Yes. Yes. I don't know. I didn't ask." Kirk counted her questions on his fingers and frowned, "I was too busy dealing with a major Federation Ambassador wanting to know if he can be my new father. . . " the patented Kirk Smile was back, directed, with all its intensity, at Spock. "We're gonna be brothers!"

Spock glared and raised an eyebrow, Nyota rolled her eyes. "Let me see if I can get Sarek back on the comm and we will ask him." She evicted Kirk from his captainly chair and danced her fingers across the comm unit.

Spock and Kirk went back to babbling and glaring.

"Damn!" Nyota said a few minutes later. "He's off in a meeting already. Where's your mom stationed, Kirk?"

"USS Avery Star."

"Good. They are not that far away from our location." Another finger dance. "Kelzie McManus is their chief comm officer."

"USS Enterprise calling USS Avery Star," Uhura clipped professionally into the comm unit, "Enterprise to Avery Star. Come in, Avery Star."

"Avery Star here. How can we assist you, Enterprise?"

"Kelzie? Nyota Uhura here. My captain would like to speak to your Commander Kirk. Personal and private."

"Understood, Ny. Our Commander Kirk has some interesting friends," Kelzie noted, humor in her voice. "I'll get her for you."

Kirk listened to the exchange with the Avery Star comm officer with no little interest. "Do you know everybody, or something?"

"Lieutenant Kelzie McManus graduated the year before Nyota," Spock paused his monologue which had turned to the potential public relations value of the widow of a legend and the mother of hero on his way to becoming a legend forming an alliance with another legend and father of a hero also on his way to legendary. Despite his quiet Vulcan demeanor, Spock did not give way to false modesties. It would be illogical. "They took several classes together and were often study partners," he said before returning to his other subject.

"Is she hot?" Kirk asked.

"Shhh, both of you!" Nyota could hear Kelzie turn away. Moments later she was back. "I have Winona Kirk for you. She is in her quarters and set for personal and private. Send me something when you get a chance, Ny. It's been a long time since we've talked."

"Absolutely, Kelzie!" Uhura promised her friend.

"Here's our Commander."

Jim didn't wait for his mother to speak. "Mom, I just got a call from the Vulcan ambassador . . ."

"Oh." Kirk could have heard the proverbial pin drop if it weren't for interstellar distances.

"Are you alone, Jimmy?" Commander Kirk finally asked.

"No, ma'am, I am not." Jim replied. "I have my future brother and sister-in-law right here with me."

Winona sighed over the comm link. "Commander Spock. Lieutenant Uhura." She obviously knew exactly about whom Jim was speaking.

"Commander Kirk," they both acknowledged.

"May as well just call them Spock and Nyota, Mom. I know I'm going to."

"I _was_ going to tell you," Winona started, "I just wasn't sure how you would react."

Spock listened with his 'I am a Vulcan. I have no emotions.' face. Nyota glared and twisted her brows as she watched Kirk deal badly with his mother. She snorted almost silently, then bopped her captain on the head.

"That's insubordi . . ." Kirk started to say, then stopped. It wasn't his comm chief that whapped him, it was his mother's future husband's son's wife.

"Commander Kirk," Nyota began, her dark expression and the warning shake of her right index finger in Kirk's face told both men to be quiet.

"Winona, Lieutenant." Winona corrected, "I hope we will be good friends."

"Nyota, please. I am sure we will, Winona. I can't begin to tell you just how absolutely delighted we _all_ are at the news and are looking forward to the wedding. Congratulations and our very best wishes for your happiness," Nyota said, her voice warm and enthusiastic. "In my experience, Vulcans make wonderful husbands."

Nyota stared Kirk down, daring him to argue with her, and simply touched Spock's hand to let him know that she had taken charge of the conversation and things would work out to a logical conclusion. "I have so many questions for you. Have you set a date? Federation or Vulcan style wedding? Spock and I did both, you may know."

The tensions that had been in Winona's voice disappeared at the sound of the friendly, accepting Nyota Uhura. "No dates yet. We need to work that out. We do need to do both. Sarek's position demands it. I'll be retiring from space duty. Since he's working out of San Francisco, I am likely to be teaching part time at the Academy."

The women chatted for another fifteen to twenty minutes (eighteen point seven, according to the Vulcan alarm clock) and ended with Winona saying, "Let me get you Aurelan's comm information so you two can talk. I am going to call Sam as soon as we finish. I haven't told him yet, either."

"It's been delightful talking with you, Win. I am so excited about you and Sarek. It'll be wonderful!" Nyota said with genuine affection.

"You, too, Ny. I'm looking forward to having you as a daughter!" Both women laughed with delight.

Kirk poured another glass of blue for himself and his XO, certain that he and Spock were doomed.

* * *

Three weeks later:

Spock sat at a table in the officer's lounge staring at a chessboard, nursing a too-large dark chocolate milkshake with cookie crumbles and miniature chips when Kirk found him. A couple of PADDs lay on the table next to the Vulcan, but the information contained in them did not seem to capture the first officer's attention. His normally pristine clothing had drips of chocolate brown down the front.

Kirk slid into the seat across the table from Spock. "Wife kick you out?" he asked, half-joking, half-serious. Spock had been spending a lot more time in the officer's lounge and his labs the last couple of weeks than with Nyota.

Spock shook his head. "Nyota, your mother, Aurelan, Nyota's mother, M'Umbha, and Nyota's sister, Penda, are on a conference call discussing the wedding." He took a large swig of the milkshake. "They decided that I am not helpful and asked me to leave while they talked. I found my own joining with Nyota to be less stressful than that of your mother and my father, Jim." More milkshake disappeared. "I would have gone to my lab, but engineering maintenance is there. Mr. Scotty prefers I not supervise his maintenance crews." Spock slurred his words a little and huffed a small sigh. "No one wants me," he declared with the certainty of the inebriated.

"Not true at all, bro," Kirk stated while taking opportunity to lean across the table and pat Spock's shoulder in a friendly, brotherly way. He couldn't get away with that very often without meeting Spock's obvious disapproval. "Not true at all. Anyway, you got me and as long as I'm alive, you got a brother."

"Zhimmm, I have one anyway. You did not know that. It is not in my personnel files." Spock leaned forward over the table, wide-eyed and completely earnest. "Sybok left when I was young. He fought with Sa-sa, and Sa-sa said Sybok was _V'tosh Ka'tur_. An' he left. Sa-sa declared him _k'torr skann_ and made him a vir, veer, _vrekasht. _It is as if he never existed._"_

_"What kind of shit is this?" _Kirk thought. He was careful to keep the expressions off his face.

Spock took a deep drink of his milkshake then offered it to Kirk, "You should try this. It's really, ree-lee fine. I got the chocolate from Nyota's secret stash. It's the goooood stuff. My Nyota only gets the beeeest. She doesn't know I took it."

"She will, Spock. She will." Kirk didn't know that his XO was a sloppy, emotional drunk, but it was, Kirk decided with great certitude, better than having him angry. Kirk didn't much care for the big green guy when he was angry.

"I really miss him, Zhimm. it makes me very sad. I cried every night for most of a _t'ku'hati_, Zhimm," Spock rambled on. Kirk listened with wonderment and filed away his new knowledge of his XO's family circumstances. You never knew what might be information be needed in the future.

"Sybok never calls me. You would call me, wouldn't you?"

Kirk nodded yes to Spock's entreaty.

The Vulcan continued, "I didn't like that he left _T'Khasi_ . . ._Ah'rak_ . . .Fulcan, but when it sploded booms sucky in, I was glad he wasn't there. It just makes me sooooo sad. There were times when Sybok was my only friend. He just didn't want to follow the way zuri . . . surrik . . . surik . . . Sarek, noooo, not Sarek. Sarek is my sa-sa, you know. Anyway, surik, surek,sue, sue , sue, wulcan way of _let'thieri_, harmonicsss, uh _kril'es_ and _ozikha_. I miss him."

Spock leaned forward again, this time far enough to capture both of Kirk's shoulders. 'You'd call me, bro. You wouldn't spend all your free time planning other peoples's weddings, would you?"

"I got you. And you got me. Brothers forever," Kirk leaned across and patted both of the Vulcan's shoulders this time. "Drinking alone ain't gonna make it any better. Grab yer stuff and come with me. We'll find us some drinkin' buddies."

"You are my _ne ki'ne_, Zhimmm." the Vulcan drew out Kirk's name, "My _t'hy'la_. My shield-brother, my blood brother, forever."

"I sure am, Spocko! I sure am.

The corridors were pretty much clear. Kirk decided that Spock would be grateful the next day that they didn't run into any of the crew on their journey to McCoy's rooms.

With a little less chocolate in his system, Spock would have declined politely. As it was, he gathered up his PADDs, shoved them in his midnight blue carry-bag and clutching his tall glass of chocolate milkshake tightly to his chest, followed Kirk on wobbly legs to Leonard McCoy's quarters. He never did find out how he got back to his rooms that night.

* * *

The next morning Spock found himself thanking _Ek Chuah_, the Mayan god of chocolate, that he had the day off. His head throbbed, his mouth was so dry and foul that it tasted as if a _hayalit_ had taken up residence there. A horrid cacophony echoed around him and, worst of all, Nyota was not in the bed beside him making it a very bad morning indeed. He sat up enough to realize that the mad noise came from his comm unit and he forced himself up and stumbled over to answer it. Smoothing his tousled shiny black hair into only a vague semblance of its usual skullcap of glory, he put on the best Vulcan face he could muster and said, "Spock, here." He failed to achieve his normal deep, dulcet sangfroid.

"Ambassador Sarek for you, sir," the crisp, professional, _cheerful_ voice of Elizabeth Palmer, Nyota's relief came through. "Nyota said to keep him on hold for a five minutes after you answered before transferring him over. She said you might not be feeling at your absolute best at the moment. She also said to let you know that she was going to stop in the mess hall and pick up dinner for you both."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Palmer," while he still thought it unnecessary, Spock tried to use human pleasantries as often as possible. It made dealing with them much easier. "I will avail myself of the suggestion."

Spock took 3.97 minutes to splash his face with cold water and slick down his hair. He couldn't do much about the hazy green in the whites of his eyes and just hoped his father would not notice.

"_Na'shaya, Sa-fu_. Are you unwell?" Sarek could not miss the hangover Spock tried to hide. The eyes, the rough beard, and the hank of hair popping up on the top of the younger Vulcan's head told a story that Spock would rather not share.

"_Ne'shau, Sa'mehk_. I had just awaked when you called." Spock still wavered a bit and noted the fatherly concern in both Sarek's words and face. He couldn't remember the amount of time that had passed since he and Jim had found their 'drinkin' buddies,' and he was certain he still had chocolate in his system. Palmer had mentioned his wife bringing him dinner. That meant he'd slept the entire day away. "How may I be of service?" Spock managed to remember his common Vulcan courtesies.

"Winona and I have a date chosen for the Federation ceremony." Sarek paused as Spock appeared to digest this additional information. "In order to avoid a diplomatic crisis," he continued, "involving two ambassadors, a Klingon general, the Emperor of an aligned minor Star Empire, and the current Federation president, it is essential that you be my 'Best Man.' I had fully intended to ask you at the appropriate time, but an occurrence at a diplomatic gathering two nights ago pushed it to the forefront and I was forced to explain that my 'Best Man' had already been selected."

"An untruth, _Sa'mehk_?" the eyebrow raised just a bit.

"A diplomatic diversion. It was necessary at the time to prevent physical violence, and, as I said, I had intended to offer the position to you in any case. Are you willing to serve me in this capacity?"

"I would be most honored and will take the needed steps for Nyota and me to attend. You said you had selected a date for the Federation ceremony."

"We have, though it would be more correct to say that the appropriate departments of the United Federation of Planets Diplomatic Corp and Star Fleet have unfortunately selected the day and location. Winona, her 'new best friend,' M'Umbha Uhura, and their cadre of women are not pleased. They express a great deal of concern that control of the ceremony is being taken away from them by the public relations people and the Diplomatic Corp event planners."

"Perhaps you should consider a smaller, more intimate, family event, _Sa'mehk_." Spock thoughtfully put a great deal of effort into keeping both of his eyes open and focused on his father's image.

"_Sa-fu_, I do not have the luxury of being on a starship light years away and having my captain able to perform my wedding ceremony." Sarek spoke with learned calm, but Spock knew when his father was unhappy and annoyed. "This event has become very complicated and has turned into an affair of state. I fear a most unpleasant time. I also wanted to let you know that the Enterprise will be reassigned to duty near Earth to ensure your attendance as well as that of Nyota and Captain Kirk."

"Under the circumstances, _Sa'mehk, _I do not look forward to discussing this with Nyota. She is very vocal in her opinions concerning your joining and is very much a part of Commander Kirk's cadre," Spock gave up trying to pretend and sighed. Still a little intoxicated, he ventured a subject he'd been considering, but had not yet suggested. "Would you be interested, _Sa'mehk_, in engaging in some of the Terran pre-ceremony male bonding rituals?"

"I would prefer to avoid them," Sarek allowed, "but considering the emotional outbursts related to my choosing a 'Best Man,' perhaps they cannot be avoided."

"Indeed." said the younger S'chn T'gai, "I will confer with Jim and the Doctor about appropriate activities. Do you know when the Enterprise will be recalled to Earth?"

"Star Fleet is cutting the orders today. Since the wedding is highly formal, I would request that you send me your physical measurements as well as those of Nyota and Captain Kirk. I will have appropriate garments tailored for you for the ceremony. You can finish the fittings when you arrive in San Francisco."

"Thank you, _Sa'mehk_," Spock said.

"It is only logical, _Spohk_. One does not thank logic_."_

_"_I differ on that_, Sa'mehk. _When one lives among the humans, one learns to say 'thank you' for many things."

"Indeed. Now it is time, _sa-fu_, that you perform your ablutions. I would advise you to contact your ship's physician for a hangover remedy and avoid so much chocolate in the future."

Spock felt his head becoming droopy. He was embarrassed that his father had noticed. "I shall, Father."

Sarek looked almost ready to end the conversation, but didn't. "And one piece of advice from a man with many years of experience in living with a human female. Never touch her chocolate. Human women have a nearly incomprehensible relationship with chocolate. It is apparently necessary to their continued existence and happiness. And when you fail to follow that advice, as you certainly will, be sure to replace what you ate with more chocolate of greater quality that what she had. You will have a better life in the long run if you do." Had Sarek been human, he would have smiled. As it was, his eyes softened and his mouth quirked up slightly. "I learned this from experiences with your mother."

* * *

"You cannot possibly have Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy help you plan a bachelor party, baby. Not one for _your father_!" Nyota Uhura was adamant. She and last meal arrived just a few minutes after Spock disconnected with Sarek. He had shared their conversation and his offer as they ate.

Nyota swallowed her bite of fragrant rice and curried tofu and spinach then continued. "And not Hikaru Sulu or Montgomery Scott, either. The whole lot of them are about as mature as three-year-olds and fucking batshit insane!" She took another bite of her food and followed it with iced chai.

"Admiral Pike?" Spock ventured, "Mr. Chekov? Perhaps Lieutenant Maderson from my lab staff?" He had not lied when he told his father she was vocal in her opinions.

Nyota maintained a fondness for the admiral. He'd given her her first opportunity to be on the bridge of the Enterprise. He'd selected her beloved as his first officer and still maintained good relations with them. "Chris Pike, maybe. Pavel is still about twelve years old and I don't know about Lieutenant Maderson!"

A momentary look of confusion crossed Spock's face. "Mr. Maderson is a quite competent astrophysicist with a Ph. D. from Earth's MIT. Also, I can assure you that Mr. Chekov is more than twelve years in age. According to my calculations, he should be approximat . . . ." he started.

"That's not what I meant, sweetie, and you know it. I mean he's still very young and inexperienced. He wouldn't be a good guide on how to proceed. Talk to Chris Pike about it. I suppose you can talk to the rest of them, too, but just remember that they are not good sources of advice for you on this subject."

"I will take that into highest consideration when formulating my plans." Spock assured his wife.

"Good boy!" Nyota smiled a sweet, suggestive smile at him and her eyes danced. "Now how's your head?"

"I believe my condition has improved considerably since yesterday."

"Good! Cause you owe me big time after killing off my chocolate stash. Now, again, how's your head?"

Spock delayed a moment while he processed her statement. "A double entendre, ashayam? If I understand you correctly, my 'head' is quite respectable and I shall demonstrate it for you."

He stood up and pulled Nyota from her chair towards him, kissing her ravenously while sliding her skirt up and panties down. He maneuvered the pair of them around and backed her over to the little Star Fleet issue couch in their quarters.

He released her mouth just long enough to issue directions to the computer system. "Computer, privacy lock on the door, no overrides, dim lights to 23.7%." Another solid meeting of mouths, her uniform slipped away from her body and he laid her naked and supine on the small couch. With practiced and determined motions, he moved down her body till he reached her hot center. There, he demonstrated his ample skills until she arched, screamed her release and demanded revenge.

* * *

"So, Admiral," Spock began, "I have been charged with being 'Best Man' at my father's Federation wedding to Captain Kirk's mother, as well as arranging the traditional ceremonial activities engaged in by males prior to the ceremony"

"You are arranging a bachelor party?" Chris Pike leaned back in his chair, quite taken with the concept.

"Affirmative, sir," Spock nodded slightly. "Nyota suggested that I request your particular advice after she said that the Captain, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Sulu and Mr. Scott were all . . ." The Vulcan paused, pulling the words together and wondering at his own ability to repeat them, "were all about as mature as three year olds and batshit insane. She also referred to Mr. Chekov as 'still being 12-years old.'"

"I could see where she might feel that way," Pike said judiciously. A slight smiled played across his rugged face. "What sort of advice were you looking for?"

"Affirmation of my understanding of the rituals and perhaps assistance in obtaining a venue and appropriate accouterments. I have some vague familiarity with the concept of a bachelor party, but I have never attended one. There was an emergency the night before Nyota and I wed, and the one that the Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy planned was necessarily abandoned."

"Well," Pike began, not quite sure how to describe one of his culture's more juvenile rituals. "You need some place for the party, the venue, a BIG cake, intoxicants, and interesting women who are not friends, relatives, spouses, girlfriends or close acquaintances of the men attending. They just need to be women that are _very_ interesting, if you understand what I mean." Pike wasn't sure whether Spock did or not. The young Vulcan was hugely perceptive at times, but some of the more bizarre aspects of human behavior were just too bizarre for him.

"Interesting." Spock was nodding as he listened, his head already brimming with ideas for a 'bachelor party.'

"And music. You will want good music and excellent food, too."

"Very well, sir. If you could assist me in determining a suitable location and reserving it, I will begin to arrange the rest of the event." Following his beloved _ashayam's_ injunction, he did not discuss the party with his co-workers until he handed them formal, engraved invitations to Sarek's bachelor party.

* * *

"You sure this is the place?" McCoy looked doubtfully at the staid edifice in front of him. The building was old, but immaculately maintained. The brick facade was nearly as crisp and bright as the day it had been built.

Jim looked at his fancy engraved card. "This is it. Address matches." Kirk opened the wrought iron gate, half expecting it to creak with age, but the gate opened smoothly, as well tended to as the rest of the building and grounds.

Once through the foyer, the pair walked into a warmly lit room. The wait-staff, all female, all from such a varying range of species that Kirk thought he was at a UFP gathering. As he grabbed a drink and looked around, he was certain it was a UFP diplomatic gathering with a few Star Fleet personnel thrown in. He downed his drink and caught a second from a passing tray.

"Come on, Bones." he grabbed his friend's arm and dragged him toward the huge cake in the center of the room. "We gotta see this!"

"So what kind of girl do you think a Vulcan would have popping out of a cake?" Bones asked.

"I don't know, man, but I am certain I want to be up front when it happens. If she's anything like the ladies he has floating around now - well, we just have to see!"

Kirk did not have to wait long to get his wish. Not more than five minutes after he arrived, Spock called attention to the center of the room.

"We are here to acknowledge the impending marriage of my father, Ambassador Sarek to Winona Kirk by way of a human tradition known as a bachelor party. I would like to thank Admiral Christopher Pike for his explanations of the aspects of a 'Bachelor Party,' and his assistance in arranging the location. _Ralash tanaf, _the musical selections tonight_, _are provided by the _Kehek Uzh'Shi'kahr Ka'athyra eh Kolchak._" His audience applauded politely. While Spock may have been a genuine Vulcan rebel, son of another Vulcan rebel, he was still a connoisseur of all things Vulcan, as were most of the Vulcans who had survived the destruction. Tonight he looked very Vulcan and every centimeter the dignified, powerful and in control son of a diplomat, grown-up in a universe of those who could change the Federation and knew it. "The catering was provided by the Vulcan Embassy chef, Scalak, and his staff. Decorations were provided by the Federation Diplomatic Corp Public Relations and Security departments."

Kirk muttered to McCoy. "That's not a good sign for a bachelor party"

"Maybe someone can sign a treaty, Jim." Bones smirked. "I am just interested in seeing our Vulcan's interpretation of 'the girl in the cake.' He's got a cake large enough to hold one."

The bridge crew invitees, Sulu and Chekov, and the Enterprise's engineer, Montgomery Scott, had sidled up to where Kirk and McCoy stood. "Or it may just all be keek, sair!"

McCoy turned slightly to look at Chekov. "How did you get an invitation? You're not old enough."

"I am nearly 20, now, Doctor. Mees Uhura gave me the invitation, herself."

"So much for the drunken sex orgy," Kirk sighed, "Uhura would have never let Chekov come if she thought there was going to be a drunken sex orgy"

They turned their attention back to the Vulcan as Spock continued to speak. "Our servers tonight, in honor of my father's pre-diplomatic vocation of astrophysics. are from the math, computer, and physics departments of Star Fleet Academy, UCSC, and CalTech. They will also be able to provide assistance during tonight's main program. So with no further delay . . .The Lady in the Cake!"

"WhooHOOO!" Kirk shouted. "It's about time." Spock glared, diplomats and other party-goers stared, and the cake split open. Instead of the anticipated half-naked girl the Enterprise's captain wished for, Spock escorted a stately gray-haired woman dressed in a rich dark purple and green silk tunic and pants out. Not quite human, but very humanoid, she was a dignified, handsome and elegant representative of her planet.

"We have a rare opportunity tonight. I would like to present Doctor Chelina Marinaeko. She as recently published several articles in the Journal of Astrophysics that are characterized as ground-breaking and controversial as well as highly original. She will discuss her theories with us tonight is a presentation similar to the one she gave at the recent Interplanetary Conference on Recent Developments in Interstellar Mechanics."

Trust Spock to pick out a physicist to put in his cake. Kirk and McCoy both felt the disappointment acutely. Sulu, the helmsman, and Scott, the engineer, were less so. Dr. Marinaeko's work could have impact on their functional areas, but young navigator looked as if he were going to come in his pants. "Oh, ve are soooo lucky!" he was practically bouncing. "Dr. Marinaeko ist vun of my heeroes! I haf read all of her papers, two, three, four times. I vunder if I can get her autograph?"

Kirk sighed. "I'm guessing Spock can arrange it." he said wondered if any of the physics department servers would be as impressed by a young and handsome starship captain as his navigator was by a middle-aged astrophysicist.

They weren't. Of course, they weren't. They were too busy babbling to each other in advanced mathematics and astrophysical theory. It was a miserable excuse for a bachelor party in Kirk's opinion. The food was superb, the booze excellent, but the music was too intellectual and no one got to leave with any of the "girls," except the drivers who took them back to dorm rooms and other residential facilities and Mr. Chekov, who went happily off as the escort of their guest lecturer. Apparently, she had a curly-haired grandson about his age, who also loved physics.

* * *

Kirk tugged at the Vulcan robes he now wore. They looked good on him, but, in his opinion, most clothing did. The garments weren't really uncomfortable, just annoying and certainly not as bad as his Star Fleet dress uniform. He worked his way over to where Spock stood talking with Sarek. Kirk felt infinitely more comfortable with his XO, and soon-to-be-stepbrother, than his fellow groomsmen and their bodyguards. The formal garments looked good on the Vulcans, too. Both Spock and his father carried that 'royal Vulcan dignity' look to the extreme.

"So how come I get to wear this stuff and they," Kirk pulled at his front as would a small child, then gestured over to the other groomsmen, otherwise known as the Federation President, a Klingon general, the Emperor of a Minor Star Empire, and the ambassadors from Andoria and Tellus, "don't have to?"

"Your family, Kirk, is about to join with an ancient Vulcan clan," Sarek explained. He would have thought that Kirk would have asked Spock for this information earlier. "The embroidery indicates your identity and what your position will be within the clan when your mother and I are joined."

"Really? I just thought it was for decoration." Kirk said.

"It is for decoration, Jim," Spock said. "But it also says that you are now _tomasu, _a kinsman of my _ma'at_, and a son of Sarek. Your name, that of your brother, Sam, and your mother's will be held with our family for generations to come. You will be _sa-toz'ot_ to my children as I will be to yours."

The music started and the men filed out to the altar, followed by a herd of personal bodyguards who filtered into defensive positions around the wedding party.

While Winona's attendants did not represent near as many worlds as Sarek's did, they matched the men in finery, wearing traditional garments from their respective families' historical backgrounds to the wedding. Penda and the first of two of Sarek's kinswomen, a distant cousin who had been off-planet when Vulcan was destroyed, came down the aisle. M'Umbha followed, accompanied by the middle daughter of Sarek's mother's younger brother. The _ko-fu-lar, _the daughters, came next.

_Damn,_ Kirk thought as he caught sight of his sisters-in-law, Nyota Uhura and Aurelan Kirk, _The best ones are always already taken!_ He cast his glance down the row of bridal attendants and wondered briefly if the young Vulcan woman or Penda Uhura, who stood next to her, were single. He could chat them both up at the reception. For a moment, in his next thought, he considered chiding himself for thinking about women he could pick up at his mother's wedding, then turned his attention back down the aisle.

The woman who had been his mother's best friend since childhood, the one who stood up with her when she married George Samuel Kirk, the one who had told her of the horrid things that Uncle Frank had done to her children, proceeded down the aisle. As she passed Jim's position to take her place of honor, she smiled and nodded, telling Jim this was a very good thing.

A brief silence, then the music rose again, a traditional processional, several hundred years old, filled the hall. The audience stood as Winona Kirk, dressed not in white, but in icy blue-lavender, and accompanied by Tiberius Kirk as her own father was gone, walked towards her future.

* * *

Epilogue:

One year later:

"Captain," Liz Palmer called for her leader's attention. "I have an incoming transmission over the Vulcan Diplomatic channels from Ambassador _S'chn T'gai Sarek cha Skon_ and _T'sai _Winona for . . . Captain Kirk James Tiberius cha George, Commander _S'haile_ _S'chn T'gai Spohk cha Sarek_ and Lieutenant _T'sai_ _S'chn T'gai_ Uhura Nyota _adun'a_ _Spohk cha Sarek_." Elizabeth Palmer stumbled over the long Vulcanized names. There were parts of Spock's name, Kirk wouldn't even attempt to pronounce. Liz Palmer was good, any captain in the fleet would have been thrilled to have her on their bridge, but still she was no where near the caliber of Nyota Uhura as a linguist. "It's marked 'Personal and Private, sir.'"

Kirk rotated around to face her. Despite having had his butt in that chair nearly every day for the better part of three years, he still took a perverse joy in being able to sit in 'The Chair' without being chased out.

"Thanks, Liz. Please transfer the call to my quarters, and notify Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura to meet me there."

Palmer acknowledged the order and he could hear her calling Spock and Nyota even before he made it to the lift. Torn between laughing at 'Lord and Lady Suh Chin Taggy,' and worrying about his mother, or Sarek or the fate of the Federation, Kirk decided to laugh. Fate of the Federation messages from the Diplomatic Corp would not require Spock and Nyota, would not come couched in long Vuhlkansu names and would not include his mother as one of the senders. His mother. Oh, god, what could possibly be wrong now?

The aforementioned Nyota and Spock waited outside Kirk's door. They could have gone in, both of them had the codes, but courtesy prevailed, and they were, both, mostly, very polite people. Nyota looked curious. Spock looked collected.

"Liz said there was a communication from Sarek and Winona over the diplomatic channels?" Nyota asked.

"That's all I know, too." Kirk said. "They wanted to talk to the three of us together."

"It will not be an emergency, K'diwa," Spock's deep bass and gentle waves of affection always had a calming effect on her. They pressed fingers together in the _ozh'esta_. Nyota closed her eyes and felt the calm. "You should sit down," Spock told her.

He splayed a large hand across her bulging abdomen and was rewarded with a kick. She sat down on Kirk's sofa, tomato red silk tunic swirling. Spock sat down next to her. He handed her the other pillows, which she reclined back on, then took her feet in his lap. He pulled off her flat soft shoes and began systematically to rub Nyota's feet, while Kirk brought up the comm line. How his world had changed that Spock was willing to be that open in public, or at least around Kirk. If it weren't for Nyota's heavy pregnancy, you would have thought he'd never touched her, though, based on his more public behaviors.

"Pipe it through, Ms. Palmer," Kirk directed.

"Aye, sir."

A moment later, the stentorian tones that could stop a war boomed out. "Greetings, James. I trust that my son and his wife are with you." Sarek said.

"We are all here." Kirk rotated the comm unit so that the ambassador could view the cozy scene on the couch. Spock wasn't even embarrassed to have his father see him massaging Nyota's feet.

"I did the same thing for your mother when she was carrying you," Sarek's expression softened just a bit around his eyes. "She was convinced it reduced the swelling in her feet. I am not sure that there was any empirical evidence to that effect, but it made her quite happy."

"Nyota says the same thing." Spock responded, though not stopping his steady massage.

"Indeed I do," Nyota added.

"I am guessing, sir, that you and mom didn't call about Nyota's feet," Jim interrupted.

"We didn't." Winona joined Sarek at the comm station, "How are my favorite Captain, First Officer, Comm Chief and my soon-to-be newest grand-baby doing?"

"We are all fine, Mom. Nyota's about ready to pop any minute now. Spock's driving me crazy. I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like when the baby comes."

"You'll all survive. By the way, Jimmy, when are YOU going to get married and give us some grandchildren, yourself? What about that nice Carol Marcus? You two seem to hit off pretty well. Or Nyota's sister? She's a lovely girl and so intelligent!"

"I don't need a matchmaker, Mom," Kirk insisted.

"Penda does say he's cute," Nyota called out, teasing and making Kirk blush slightly. "And I know for a fact, he gets messages from both Carol and Penda on a regular basis."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Uhura," Kirk snapped, but with humor in both his voice and face indicating he was not serious, "I'm gonna cut you off from reports from your staff, if you keep trying to embarrass me." Kirk turned back to the comm unit and his mother. "Now, what's with you and Sarek? Why the special call?"

"We can't just call because we are your parents?" Winona asked. She gave Kirk his patented smile.

"Mom!"

"Okay, Jimmy." she finally said. "Can I get all three of you over here, please, first?"

Nyota struggled to set upright for a moment before Spock lifted her up and they joined Jim at the desk. Well trained by now, he gave up his seat to his sister-in-law.

"Sarek and I, uhmmm, I'm, uh . . . " Winona looked for words, but the Sarek the ambassador found them

"Your mother and I are expecting a child," he said in the sort of deadpan that only a Vulcan could accomplish in the face of their adult children.

Jim and Spock both froze. It was hard to deal with their parents marrying, but they got through it, but even for adult children, neither of them would ever really be past the 'Oh. My. God. Ewww' factor that implied that their parents had sex.

Jim started calculating about how much Romulan ale he could talk Bones out of.

Spock was working rapidly on logical arguments in favor and against Sarek having more children, especially children that shared a genetic relationship with Jim Kirk.

Nyota squealed with joy. "Oh how wonderful!" she burbled happily at Winona. "I am so excited for you, Winnie! When are you due? How long have you . . ."

Jim looked at Spock. Spock looked at Jim. They were sure they were doomed.

end

-isobel


End file.
